I find myself in a place where I am struggling with identity.
Is my identity found in being a stay-at-home mom? More specifically yet, a mom of children with special needs? The thing is, I don’t enjoy most of what my “job description” entails. I don’t like to cook, I don’t like to plan meals, I don’t like to go grocery shopping, I don’t like to do dishes. I don’t like to do laundry, fold clothes or put them away. I don’t like to make beds, sweep floors, clean the bathroom. I do these things as chores, because I have to. There is no joy in that for me. I know, I know, I am supposed to do all things as if I was doing them for the Lord. Well, I am being honest, this is a struggle and I just don’t like it.
Oh I love my kids. They bring me great joy! I love to see their smiling faces and their personalities shining through. I often find myself staring at Nichole with a puppy face and dreamy eyes in awe of this little person that I get to call my daughter. Crazy how scared I was about Down syndrome! Ellie is just amazing and the sky is her limit, really. And then Nina who just keeps showing me what determination and courage really look like. What a blessing! But that has nothing to do with me and my identity, that joy is find purely in their own beings, aside from myself.
Is my identity found in being a writer? Oh I hope not because I am not about to sign the next great book contract and I do not have articles flying left and right. My little blog is yet another example that I am not where I would like to be when it comes to my writing dreams. I have no niche.
I know my identity is found in Christ, I know who I belong to and how He sees me. But although I know this truth I am often stuck on being a mom and doing some writing.
So who am I? I am in the process of discovering myself.
(Don't forget to stop by and read the beautiful devotional blog post from Deidra: The Address)