Tattered with Purpose: A guest post

 

The storm raged and pounded against the window outside my dark, lonely room.  I sat on the bed, tears flowing almost as freely as the rain.  Countless times I heard people say, "God won't give you more than you can handle."  But He had.  Way more!

Broken:

I was in a marriage that challenged me at every turn.  One that threatened to choke the last threads of life from me.  I'd held on for years, but now I was running; running from an unhealthy relationship along with my children.  The problem was I had no idea where I was running to or what I'd do. 

I pounded my fists against the bed and screamed into my pillow, demanding answers.  Why had my marriage failed?  Why was I, who had stood so staunchly against divorce, now sitting here broken and marked?  Why must my children learn to survive in a shattered home?  Why, why, why?

There were no answers that night.  In fact, I cried myself to sleep only to wake the next morning with swollen eyes and a headache.  I was empty, but I knew I had to pull myself together.  My children needed me and I had a job that was expecting me.  

One foot in front of the other, one step at a time.

He planned to bring good out of the mess:

I've learned that God's answers don't often come when we want them.  He prefers the lessons to be meaningful, giving them time to penetrate the deepest places in our souls.  He showed me, little by little, over the years that followed, just exactly how He planned to bring good out of the mess that had become my life.  I was a reluctant student and the dawning was slow to come.  But God is patient and indescribably loving!

There were unexpected moments, when I'd see my kids with their heads bent together over some project, and my heart would just know.  These little people wouldn't be if I hadn't married their daddy.  I couldn't stand the thought of not having them and there was absolutely no question that I'd walk through the fire for them.

In that time, God showed me how much my children needed their daddy.  My flesh balked but my heart was stirred.  God used the love I had for my kids to show me the way past my hurt and bitterness.  The anger and confusion that kept me in knots very slowly gave way to compassion and forgiveness.  It's nearly impossible to stubbornly cling to "your rights" when doing so means you revoke the rights of the innocent.  And my kids had the right to a guilt-free relationship with their father.

That realization birthed the desire to help them build that relationship with their dad.  Naturally, the crumbling of our family made some of my children hesitant to embrace their dad.  I got to be the one who talked their father up, the one who made going to his house sound like the best opportunity ever.  The one who got to remind them exactly how much he loved them and needed their love in return.  It was humbling, at best.  Irritating, at my worst. But more specifically, it was exactly the role I needed to fill to get beyond myself.  And it worked as a mirror to my own soul.  Sucking up the hard feelings caused me to see myself for who I truly was.  So I took off running again!  But this time, I was running to a Redeeming God who would guide me!

Finding Beauty:

God brought beauty from the ashes.  Divorce is never His plan, just as sin was never intended to enter this world.  But He made provision to redeem the lost and wandering.  He helps us to find our bearings, and so long as we keep pushing, He pulls us to dry land.  My journey has brought me to a kind of happiness I had never hoped for.  To a man that loves me far more than he loves himself and who delights in making sure I know it.  It's also brought me two more precious babies, who remind me every day that His plan is so much greater than I could ever imagine!

But most importantly, I have learned that God does indeed give us more than we can handle.  Because He wants us to see clearly that our strength rests entirely in Him.  And if we tap into that endless source of power and maintain a secure connection, we'll find that we can handle anything.  Even the things we don't want to! 

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Kasey is the blushing bride of her firefighter, Robbie, and delighted mother of a brood of seven.  With kids ranging in age from 14 to 8 month old twins, she's clinging to Christ for direction and energy!  You can find her journaling the experience at These Five of Mine Plus Two.