Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Cure for Selfishness

Yesterday our family went to a get together for families in our area that have been blessed with a child that happens to have an extra chromosome. It was great meeting other families, and seeing their babies, children, and even a young adult.
We have been on this road for almost 8 months. It is not a very long time, yet, so much has happened in that time. So much has changed in my heart.
I came home and I read my journal. It is sad to read how I felt those first few weeks, but it is part of the journey. I know, that someday, those hard times will be used for the glory of God, because what came out, was love that I had never experienced before.
I used to think I knew unconditional love simply by being a mother, I would have done anything for Ellie. When Nichole was born, I realized, I had much to learn about the true meaning of giving unconditional love. In my journal I wrote, "Nichole has made me see the ugliest parts of my heart, parts that I never thought would even exist. Parts that surprised me and have brought me to tears. These parts are the most repulsive forms of, well...selfishness."
During all my grieving, and tears, I never really thought about Nichole. I thought about me. How I felt, what the diagnosis would mean (to me), what my life would be like.
God is good, and he never let go of me. Never gave up.
I hate selfishness, I wanted to be rid of it! I got down on my knees and held my two week old baby and said to the Lord, "I chose to love her, with everything I got, with all that I am, I chose, from this day on, to love her!"
Letting go. I had to let go. Of my expectations, of my agenda, of my ideals, of my selfishness.
I would not have Nichole any other way. She is an amazing gift. That God would chose me, out of all people, to be her humbling.
I wish I could say I am no longer selfish, that I got it! I am only human. There are many areas in my life where I am still selfish, areas where I need to let go, and people that I need to love. But for now, I smile because of God's work in my life, and I lift up my arms and praise God for the baby He has chosen to teach these lessons of love to me.
Cure for selfishness.
Letting go.
Choosing to love.
A baby with Down syndrome.

My sister took these pictures of Nichole when she turned 7 months old. Pretty cute, isn't she!

P.S. For those praying for Abby. She is taking baby steps as she is recovering in the hospital. Next week I believe will be a months since she has been in the hospital, fighting for her life. But the Lord is good, and she continues to improve little by little. Please continue to keep her in your prayers.


  1. So Very, Very True. Beautiful Pictures. We are praying for Abby!

  2. You have two beautiful daughters, it almost makes me cry to think so much time has passed since I last saw you or knew anything about you.
    And you write beautifully.
    I'll pray for little Abby and your family as well.

    We have soooooo much to catch up on. :)

  3. Anonymous10:38 AM

    hey, i came across your page and thought i should share this with you, in hopes that it could make things even brighter, and more glorious for you nichole, and your family.

    I had a dream the other night.
    It came to me so clear.
    I stood before the throne of God,
    afraid to come too near.
    God said to me, "I hear your prayers.
    There are answers you can't find.
    I brought you here to talk to me
    and help to ease your mind."

    "I said,"Well, yes, God, I am upset...About my special one.
    This punishment is awfully harsh...Whatever have I done?"
    God looked at me and shook his head,
    He said, "My Dear, you've got it wrong.
    I sent this special child to you because you are so strong.
    I searched and searched to try and find someone with a love so rare.
    Parents so unselfish they could give her that special care.
    I try to save my special gifts,
    like those you're speaking of,
    for a special kind of parents I call the 'Chosen Ones'.
    Of all the ones to choose from,
    I know I've got it done...
    Parents who deserve my best, an honor you have won."



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