In a heap, on the floor, I faced the dark hole I had been living in since Nichole’s birth. It was deep, murky, and tight. It had become a prison. Life happened around me, yet I was stuck. My tears had been so abundant I would soon be covered in my own grief. My despair over what I saw as unfair would be what would cause me to drown, not my baby, and not her diagnosis. I had been blinded by the unending tears.
In the hole, I stared at my ugly selfishness. I had been consumed with what Nichole’s diagnosis would mean to me. I was bitter over the loss of my dreams and expectations. I had not stopped to think what the diagnosis would mean to Nichole. Not beyond questioning if she would always live with us, what any medical conditions would come our way, or if she would marry. Even then, those concerns were about me.
Would I be able to stand before the Lord and answer to Him for the lack of love I had felt with Nichole? Could I live knowing I had held back from loving my baby because she was not what I had expected, not what I wanted?
Would I be able to stand before the Lord and answer to Him for the lack of love I had felt with Nichole? Could I live knowing I had held back from loving my baby because she was not what I had expected, not what I wanted?
This selfishness was a reflection of my imperfect heart. Nichole, only 2 weeks old, was so beautiful, and she was perfect.
I don’t make mistakes.
I was broken, so broken in fact, that I needed Nichole.
She is my own. Will you love her too?
I pulled myself to my knees. I stretched out my arms to God and declared to Him, with every ounce of strength I had…
“I chose love Lord. I chose love. From this day on, with everything that is within me, I chose love!”
And God pulled me out of the hole, and held me in His arms. Because He had chosen love for me too, His broken child.
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This is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI agree wholeheartedly with Twilson9608. Ellen, your story is beautiful and touching and has brought me to tears. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing with us!
ReplyDeleteI remember this moment so well. As vulnerable as it may be to share this story, this was a moment of triumph, one of those times where I really FELT God's presence. Every time I write or think about it, it brings me back to tears of thankfulness.
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful! When I read these posts, I cry each time because I was feeling this same way. Isabelle is only 5 months so it was not too long ago when these emotions were so raw. Thank you for telling your story.
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