Time with Friends and the IDSC Meet Up

The IDSC (International Down Syndrome Coalition) hosted 5 meet ups throughout the US to kick off World Down Syndrome Day. The events took place last weekend, and they were AWESOME!

The best part of the meet up for our family was to have the Loraines come and join us! They adopted  a little girl with Down syndrome only 4 months ago. So now, not only are we connected because of Nina's and Oksana's friendship from the orphanage, we are also connected now in the world of Down syndrome. I love it!

They have become like family to us, we love them dearly. And maybe if I keep publicly begging for them to move to out town, they might get tired of me asking and just do it. What do you think Erin?

It is nice to have a friend that you can talk to about adoption, trauma from orphanage (especially since our girls come from the same place), cerebral palsy, Down syndrome, and parenting kids with special needs.

And these are all great reasons why the meet up was so incredible. It truly was amazing for many reasons. So here are my top 10 reasons why I loved the meet up, and maybe next year, if you have a kid with Down syndrome, you can join us at one of our locations!

1. We got to meet several families that have kids with Down syndrome. All in one place!

2. It was awesome to see almond shaped eyes throughout the water park.

3. It was as if we had always known each other. Strangers? Our kids connect us!

4. We could have easily improvised a dance party in the lobby of the hotel while music played in the background. We kind of did, but I think next year we have to make it official.

5. It feels like a family reunion where people are glad to see each other and excited to be together (I guess we are part of the same T21 family after all).

6. It is beautiful to see such a diverse group of people fit so well together. We all come from different backgrounds, have different lifestyles, some of us even different cultures, yet we come together and feel connected to each other.

7. It is nice when we can give hugs freely even as we meet each other. Hand shake? Forget it, give me a hug!

8. There is a misconception that God gives special children to special parents. We are not special. Not at all. However, our children have changes us all. And seriously, there is no greater group of parents out there! You all make my heart overflow with gratitude!

9. Some of these friendships expand beyond the meet up, and suddenly you have friends that walk this same journey you walk and these friendships last a lifetime.

10. We cannot wait for next year!!!

It is almost impossible to get all kids to look and smile at the same time. Nichole is giving her cheesy smile, but I love these girls together.

Nina and Oksana reunited once more. Nina has failure to thrive, and the difference in size between her and Oksana is huge! Oksana is really tall, and Nina is tiny. Still, these two love each other and play together better than with any other friends. They really know each other. And yes, the photo is being photo bombed, I won't claim him as mine ;)

The rascals, what else is there to say?

My rascal, enjoying the water park!

The Self Promotion Post

As I continue to pursue writing (specifically, writing books) it means I need to reach out and promote...myself.

So, I am cutting straight to the chase.

I am working on a  book proposal about the real emotions of international adoption. Exciting! Yet now a days, proposals include numbers and such. Like for example: How many people follow you on twitter? Do you have a Facebook page? How many visits does your website get per day? How many email subscribers do you have?

It is pretty overwhelming, and I don;t expect to wow the agent or a publisher with my big numbers.

Nonetheless, I still wan to let you know that I am around all those social media sites.

First, I have a writer blog and you can visit it HERE. I don't share many personal stories, but I post 2-3 times a week. My posts deal with parenting, adoption, special needs, and faith.

I also host a wiring prompt linky, and would love for you to join us if you have a blog and need some ideas, or simply would enjoy writing with other people. This has nothing t do with self promotion, I would simply like to write with you!

If you are on twitter, you can find me HERE.

And lastly, I have a Facebook page. I share photos, funnies, links to articles I have enjoyed on topics about parenting, special needs, adoption and faith, sometimes I sadly announce I ran out of Nutella, and sometimes I share some great resources on the topics mentioned before.

It would be great if you would "like" my page. You can find it HERE.

So that's it. Self-promotion is over. I would appreciate your support and if you are building your platform, let me know so I can help you too!

Christmas Revisited - Photo Dump Style

So...I finally downloaded pictures to my computer. Among the many smiling faces, I found the Christmas pictures I should have shared last December. However, it is never too late for sharing pictures, right?

I love these pictures of Nina. She is the perfect little elf! Her Christmas program this year was so different than last year. She was confident, full of life, and I was crying thinking how blessed I am to be her mom. Love this girl to pieces, she has come such a long way!

Take notice, this girl is standing on her own!

Is she the cutest little Elf or what!

Adoption is beautiful friends, absolutely beautiful! So hard, but so worth it!

Ellie the reindeer poses with her daddy.

Then she posses with the mommy showing off her craft.

 Family picture...best shot we got! Do you see the family resemblance?

And just the 5 of us, again, best we got!

I hope you all had a great Christmas!

Are special needs families isolated? by Erin Loraine

Do you feel isolated as a special needs family? I know there are plenty of times I do. Our family is different, and our dynamics are different. My friend Erin wrote this post and it resonated so much with me that I asked her if I could share it here. 

Erin's family consists of 2 biological boys, a little girl with cerebral palsy adopted from Ukraine (besides her CP, she also has a diagnosis of microcephaly, some cognitive delays, and falls in the autism spectrum, she also happens to be my daughter's best friend from the orphanage) and a little girl with Down syndrome adopted  from Bulgaria.

***

"We'd love for you all to come over for dinner!  The kids can all play in the basement while we visit!"

"Would you like to meet us at the park?"

"You are invited to my child's birthday party!  It is at 6:00pm.  She'll have a blast!"

I'm sure you have had those invites.  I've had them and accepted them with great joy over and over again in my 13 years of parenting.  I love fun!  I enjoy fellowship with others.  I like time with my friends to laugh and have fun. 

Now let me tell you why each of those scenario's doesn't work for our family anymore.  My girls absolutely can not be left alone in another person's house.  Oksana can manage OK in some houses but she still gets into things she shouldn't, knocks things over because of her balance issues, and trips over things, often hurting herself and/or the children around her.  I don't leave Anya unattended in my own house where I have it appropriately childproofed for a 5 year old with DS.  There is no way at all I can leave her unattended in someone else's house.  I learned from experience that Larry and I have no fun at all in these situations and we leave far more frustrated than refreshed.  Oh and don't forget that now Anya is totally overstimulated and will give us negative behaviors for a couple of hours following our "fun" get together.

So what about the park?  Well let me tell you about that.  I once went to a park outing with a bunch of homeschool moms.  I was SO excited for the chance to visit with these women.  What happened is that they sat together under a pavilion and talked while their kids played.  I ended up on the playground with their kids because Oksana can not be left in a park to navigate the equipment alone.  Now that I have Anya, parks will not be happening at all without Larry.  Anya will end up in the parking lot, or sitting on a stranger's lap, while I am taking the 20 minutes necessary to help Oksana maneuver the slide while a gaggle of children wait behind her. 

Birthday parties?  Certainly every kid loves a birthday party.  We now have to say no to every single evening birthday party invitation.  Trust me, we tried it, and every single one ended in disaster.  Oksana needs her sleep and when we keep her up late and then at the same time totally and completely overstimulate her it ends in a major melt down.

I don't say this to complain.  I love my life.  There is nothing I have ever wanted more than to parent all 4 of my children regardless of their abilities or impact on my social life.  I say this to help others understand, and to say that living with a family like this puts us at great risk of isolation.  I am involved in a number of online communities and this is a theme I see come up over and over again.  Families are isolated.  They are lonely.  People don't understand them.  I can relate....and I'm not sure what to do about it.

One solution is to have people to our house.  That is certainly an option.  Can I be honest about this?  It takes a great deal of intention for me to do this.  I know full well that while having people over is the best route for our girls, it is also the hardest route for me.  Now I need to clean my house (I'm sorry if you think that is crazy but I can not comfortably have people over when they have to make a path to get through my living room), I need to consider what I will feed them (did you know I hate cooking?), and I need to give them the speech about what to do if one of my children tries to hug them, sit in their lap, etc.  Then I have to give Oksana the lecture about giving people personal space, not using them to lean on, etc.  Can you see why I'm not on the phone inviting people over every weekend?

We do have other options.  One is that Clayton is 13 and since the girls go to bed so early we can put them to bed and then meet up with people.  I'm not saying we are out of options, simply trying to show that living with kids with special needs can easily put you on a slippery slope to isolation.  Does anyone else feel themselves slipping away?

***

Erin has a great heart for adoption and special needs. Visit her blog and leave her a message!

What If I Walked In Her Shoes?

My daughter, Nina, has cerebral palsy. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like walking in her shoes...

My husband and I have been watching Parenthood, the NBC hit show. The show revolves around the three generations of the Braverman family. One of the grandkids, Max, has Aspergers. In one of the scenes we recently watched, Max is having a meltdown, and his dad is visibly upset. At some point, Max stops and asks the question, "Are you angry wit me because I have Aspergers?" The question is enough to make his dad stop in his tracks, take a deep breathe and reassure his son, "No, I am not angry with you because you have Aspergers."

We paused the show.

"Do you think sometimes we are angry with Nina because she has cerebral palsy?" Andy asked.

It was one of those sobering moments, when I had to think about my recent interactions with my daughter and the times I got frustrated with her, and yes, even angry.

"I think sometimes I act that way." I had to admit.

"You know, it's so easy for us to move, to do things, to just get up and go. I know she is incredibly distracted and that slows her down even more...but she lives with it. Every moment, of every day, she has a body that does not respond to what her brain wants to do. We are not helping the situation when we act like we are angry with her because she has cerebral palsy. Because we are proud of her, she has come so far despite of her disability."

"I don't think that I am angry because she has cerebral palsy, but I do think I am angry with cerebral palsy sometimes, and what it takes away from Nina."

And my husband's words stay with me...

She has to live with it every day.

And the truth is, I just don't think I get it. I am not sure that I will ever understand what it is like to be a prisoner of my own body. To get up every day with tight muscles, fighting every move just to get dressed. Strapping on my braces so that I can walk better, but knowing that every step takes an incredible amount of thought.

And she does it, with a smile.

This little girl embraces life to it's fullest. I know sometimes she feels like giving up, and we don't let her, because we know she can accomplish anything she sets her mind to. And so she tries harder, and she keeps pushing, and she exemplifies the courage of the human spirit as she faces the challenges of every day life...and her body.

If only I could really understand what it is like walking in her shoes.

Because her cerebral palsy was a death sentence not too long ago. It could have taken her life. An orphan in Ukraine with cerebral palsy does not have a hope or a future. An orphan with cerebral palsy in Ukraine has little chance to be embraced by the culture, or by her family.

Almost 4 years she spent in an orphanage. Alone. Her body so tight from a lack of movement, stimulation, and therapy. Her skin so unfamiliar to touch and a warm body to hold her when she was scared, sick, or in pain.

She has come a long way.

She is a fighter.

She is my hero.

So why do I act sometimes like I am angry with her because she has cerebral palsy? I so easily forget.

She has to live with it.

What would my day be like if I was walking in her shoes?

Every single step, every single movement, I would fight my body. Yet at the end of the day, after I walked across my classroom, walked from room to room in my home, when I can use the bathroom independently, and take 35 minutes just to get dressed or undressed, it would be an incredible accomplishment.

I would know what it is like to give my very best, to give it my all.

I would know what it feels like to do life with courage.

And I would know what it is like to face a body that wants to limit me, yet to get up, move, and say, "Not today. Today cerebral palsy won't stop me. Today I win."

***

This is a post for the writing prompt: Walking in his/her shoes. Join us!

This Is Why I Write

I write because I am broken.

And I have found great beauty in this brokenness because of the great love and compassion that surround it.

When my second daughter was born with Down syndrome, she challenged what I viewed as perfect, worthy, important, and valuable in life. I had received her as a broken baby, only to quickly recognize that I was the broken one. The treasures I have discovered along the way are not found in strength, performance, eloquence, character or confidence. They are found in brokenness, where beauty is found unexpectedly as a result of God’s love and compassion transforming my life.
- Ellen Stumbo

That was the beginning of my brokenness. Once I recognized who I really was, a beautiful journey began to take place. Yes, I am a writer, and writers write. However, it was through writing that I explored my feelings, my thoughts, ideas, dreams, and passions.

I felt passionless for along time. Then suddenly I had a baby girl with special needs that made me recognize how self-centered my life was. Acknowledging my brokenness gave me passion to live life different. I needed to be broken.

Through my personal blog, I began to share about life with a baby with Down syndrome. After a while, I began to receive emails from other women who were struggling with a new or a prenatal diagnosis of Down syndrome. Somehow, it seemed, my words touched their heart and they needed someone to talk to. I prayed for each one of these women, and soon I recognized I was part of a greater story where I only had a small part to play. But however small, I considered it to be an honor and a “high calling” so I continued to write.

When our “special needs” family expanded by adopting a child with cerebral palsy, I began to write about adoption. Mainly, I was writing about the emotions of adoption, because I wanted to be honest and real about the process. Adoption was hard. I wish someone had reached out to me and affirmed that my emotions were normal. After almost a year, when I finally had someone in the adoption community to talk openly and honestly about all my feelings, I knew it was time to share those through writing.

I write because I want to offer hope, courage, and community to those reading my words.

I write because I don’t want the hurting, struggling, or broken to think that they are alone in this journey of life.

And I write honestly, because if I only tell you what makes me sound good, perfect, or like a worthy pastor’s wife, then I have cheated you in some way. If I tell you that adoption is hard, but I don’t tell you that it took me more than a year to feel any love for my child, I have alienated you if you too are an adopting parent struggling with love. If I tell you that I struggle with anxiety, but I don’t tell you that almost a year ago I had to ask for help, then I have made you feel lonely in your own struggles thinking nobody will understand or that you are “worse off” than the rest. If I tell you that being a parent is a joy, but I don’t tell you that at times I feel like a failure as a mother because of my media addiction, then I am not allowing a level of accountability or honesty to enter into my life, and maybe yours too.

The most personal is the most universal, the most hidden is the most public, and the most solitary is the most communal. What we live in the most intimate places of our being is not just for us but for all people. That is why our inner lives are lives for others.
- Henri Nouwen

And this, this is why I write.

 ***

Linked up to the writing prompt, Why I write

The Significance of a New Year

This post was first published for ellenstumbo.com

Three years ago, the New Year became a significant celebration for my family. After seven weeks away from my family in Ukraine, I arrived with our new adopted daughter at the Minneapolis, MN airport. December 31st I was finally reunited with my girls and my husband, and we began the new year, January 1st, as a family of 5.

But the journey was not easy.

After many delays in Ukraine – including the quarantine in the country due to H1N1, or the “California flu” as they called it – Nina and I were stuck in the airport for 2 days due to a snow storm that shut down air travel for 2 days. By that point, I was already an emotional mess, not to mention the fact that I didn’t like my new child. The “fairytale” of adoption I had read so many times was not to be true for us, and I was barely holding it together.

A wheelchair waited for us to transport Nina as we made our way through the airport. I asked the man pushing it to, “Get me to my family as quickly as you can, please!” When we came out of the doors that led to baggage claim I spotted Andy waiting at the gate where the rest of our flight would be exiting from.

I took off running, yelling like a mad woman, “Andy! Honey! I am here!” I was probably flinging my arms violently as I waved and ran, and my voice was cracking a bit. The man pushing Nina did his best to keep up with me.

Ellie saw me first. She ran to me and gave me a big hug. It was so good to touch her again after 7 weeks away. Then Andy came to us and we clung together, sobbing, so relieved to be together once more.

Holding on tight, we are finally together again.

Ellie was excited to meet her new sister. She had seen pictures of Nina, and seen her through a computer screen, but nothing compared to seeing her face-to-face. “She is real!” She kept saying, “She is really real!

Family came to greet us at the airport. My parents met their new granddaughter, my sisters their new niece, and Andy’s sister and her family stopped by also to meet the new addition to the family.

Our homecoming was exhausting. Traveling for 2 days had Nina and I already stressed out, and the reunion was emotionally charged. Although the picture above shows a smiling face, she was nervous, unsure about this place where everyone talked funny. As we got in the car, Nina lost it as we were strapping her in her car seat. She yelled, screamed, kicked, and scratched her eyes. In minutes, once she realized she could not get out, she fell asleep as a defense mechanism.

We carried her into the hotel room, where our family planned to spend the first night together before stopping by my mom’s house and heading back home. She slept while I changed her into pajamas and changed her diaper.

I was so glad to be home with my family, so glad to finally have them in my arms. I already had a broken relationship with Nina, and we had not yet began doing life together as a family, but at least I was back home with my girls, my husband, and a great support system. After the emotional journey I had endured (we had endured), I was not sure that adopting was worth it. I wondered if we had made a huge mistake, I even wondered if I had ruined my family. Not to mention the fact that we had taken an older child, and an older child with cerebral palsy.

But those thoughts were put to the side. My youngest was sick and I was there to care for her. I was there to hold my oldest, and I had my husband by my side.

January 1st greeted us as a family of 5. We were together, and we had to make this work. Maybe we could have a fresh start, maybe there was hope for our family as we invited a new member in and while I tried to heal from the journey that had led us to this day.

She has a daddy

I did not expect the emotional journey of adoption to be as challenging and complex as it was. I thought it would be easy, that Nina would fit into our family right away and the transition would be fairly smooth. Somehow, I was led to believe that having difficulties in adoption was rare.

There was no fairytale.

It took more than a year for me to feel a real mother/daughter love for my child.

We struggled through many behaviors.

But this child has expanded my heart. She has taught me so much about what it means to love someone even when they are hard to love. She has challenged me to choose love, and to hold on to it regardless of my feelings, expectations, or desires.

And I can say with full confidence, that this child, my daughter, is a child of love. It has not been easy, but it has been good. And I would do this again, all over again if I had to. She is my very own.

So today I look back, with the significance of a New Year surrounding our family, because it has been 3 years since a little girl entered into our lives and came here to stay.

She has come a long, long way from that scared, self-injuring, frail and traumatized little girl. She is a courageous little girl, one I have the pleasure and honor to call my own. And I cannot wait for what the new year has in store for her.

Happy anniversary Nina, I love you more than you will ever know.

And if you are interested, go visit our adoption blog I kept during our time in Ukraine and some during the first year after we came home.

Disclosure: In that first year I was scared to be honest about my feelings or emotions. I felt like a failure as a mother and yes, even more so as a Christian, especially being a pastor’s wife. However, it is nice to have a chronicle of our journey before, during, and shortly after adoption.

Adoption Rocks!

I once was lost...

But now I am found.

Adoption Rocks!

It seems amazing that Nina has been in our family for almost three years! This journey has been difficult,  oh how I have cried and how I have loved! It has been worth it, all of it. Even the really hard parts of the journey, they have all been worth it.

This little girl is a joy!

If you are considering, or have considered adoption, I have a ton of posts here about adoption, so go check them out!

If you are interested in what the journey was like during the process, we kept an adoption blog. I don't update it anymore, but I remember being in the process and wanting to know so much more about the families going through the process. What was it like? 

Adoption is an emotional journey, no doubt about it! But did I mention it is worth it?

If you read my last post, you know I have pretty strong feelings about the church and the orphan crisis. But I also know there are some real reasons why people are not able to adopt, or that keep them from making the commitment. These are not excuses, these are real, significant reasons why people don't step forward.

So I want to help you, and in turn, you can help me!

What keeps people from adopting?

What do you wish you knew about adoption?

What do you think are misconceptions about adoption?

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts, and yes, adoption rocks!

Orphan Sunday

This Sunday, November 4th, is Orphan Sunday. I am glad that there is at least one day dedicated to bring awareness of the orphan crisis within the church. However, shouldn't the church's response to the 210 million orphans expand beyond one Sunday?

Adoption should be a part of our churches. The church should respond and help families in the process of adoption, and not forget that the real hard work begins when the child comes home (not before). With the large number of churches, funding adoptions should not be an issue. And for the Christian families that live in comfort and are content with life, I often wonder, why not bring a hurting child into that wonderful family you have created (with God's help, after all HE is the one that provides for ALL our needs). I don't want this to be a "guilt" message, but there are too many indifferent Christians. Sure, we care, and we feel for the cause, but how many people actually ACT and do something about it?

If you can't adopt, then when was the last time you sent a check to a family struggling to fund their adoption? Did you think maybe you could skip the run to McDonald's, or wait for that new pair of jeans? Did you think maybe this Christmas your children didn't need several material things, but instead you could use the excess money and contribute to an adoption so that ONE child could have the gift of a FAMILY?

Your don't have to adopt, you can give...and you can pray. Is your heart burdened enough that you offer your prayers for the orphans? Are you on your knees asking God to raise up His people and rescue these children? Are you moved by the plight of the orphan? There are more than 210 million orphans in the world today, surely you can pray. Wake up church, we have a call! Yes, we are commanded to care for the orphan, are you doing your part?

Adoption is hard, really hard. It is an exhausting emotional journey and yes, at some point you might wonder if you made the wrong choice. But it does get better, and life resumes with a new normal. And then love grows, and there is joy, and there is an incredible thankfulness for this child you now call your very own. Seeing life through the eyes of a once-orphan child is a gift. It is life altering. Adoption is WORTH the sacrifice. Adoption is WORTH the trials. Adoption is WORTH the tears. Because adoption is God's heart, is it yours?

Get the word out, spread the message, act!

 
Share this post via facebook or twitter. 

This post first appeared on ellenstumbo.com

From Down Syndrome to Cerebral Palsy - An Adoption Story

I would have never chosen to be the mother of a child with special needs. Nonetheless, our second daughter, Nichole, surprised us with an extra chromosome and a diagnosis of Down syndrome. Dealing with her diagnosis was extremely difficult. All of sudden I had become the mother of a child I was not prepared or ready to parent. 

Yet, something significant took place during those first few months. I began to connect with other moms that had children with Down syndrome. These moms offered me courage, they gave me hope, they allowed me to dream big for my child. Nichole’s diagnosis of Down syndrome became a part of who she was, and not what defined her.

As we navigated the new world of special needs, we learned of the fate of children with disabilities in other countries. It broke our hearts to know these children were not valued in their cultures, and they were sent to orphanages and then mental institutions at the young age of four or five years old. We could not imagine life without our Nichole, and she had already contributed so much to our family. Her life had great value, it had meaning, and it was hers!

When we were ready to add another child to our family, we began to consider adoption. And not just any adoption, but the adoption of a child with Down syndrome from Eastern Europe. As we searched the many faces of beautiful kids with Down syndrome, it was the face a little girl with cerebral palsy that caught our eyes. Her diagnosis, however, scared me. I realized then how comfortable I was with Down syndrome, and how well it “fit” with our family. Cerebral palsy on the other hand, seemed daunting, difficult, maybe too much. 

I am guest blogging today at www.special-and-determined.com, click HERE to continue reading!

Disclaimer: I did not write the snippet about the adoption organization mentioned in the post (although we did use them when we adopted Nina) this was written by the blog owner.

My Beautiful, Different Than Expected Life!

Did you ever think that you would be where you are right now? Are your circumstances what you expected them to be? Your marriage? Your children? Your career? Or is your life different than expected?

When I was a Junior in high school, the associate pastor from our church joked with me once and said, “Ellen, maybe someday you will marry a pastor.” To my parent’s great embarrassment I laughed at his comment and assured him, “I will never marry a pastor. I don’t want that kind of life, I want so much more. I want to have a successful job, money to travel the world, live in a nice house, drive new cars, and whatever else I fancy.” The pastor was generous; he smiled right back and assured me, “You never know what the future holds.” I was sure being a pastor’s wife was not in my future.

It was with great shock I called one of my good friends when we were in college and said, “I really like this guy, he is amazing, goodness I like him so much I could marry him, but…he wants to be a pastor!” He stole my heart, what can I say. I married a pastor, and our lives are not what I expected, this life is beautiful. Although it is not easy being the “pastor’s wife” I now look back and laugh at the silly teenager that cared so much about material things. We have traveled the world together on mission trips, and in our journey to adopt our middle child. Money does not measure our success. And I happen to think our little house is pretty cute, comfortable, and most important, it is home.

We were kids!

 I never imagined I would be the mother of a child with Down syndrome, or any special need for that matter. I would have been the first in the line of those that claim, “I could never do it!” And I wrongfully believed the irrational idea that, “God only gives special children to special parents.” I struggled with Nichole’s diagnosis of Down syndrome, but God changed me. No, he transformed me. The beautiful life of our daughter Nichole led us to adopt a little girl with cerebral palsy. Two kids with special needs? This is definitely not what I expected when I thought about being a mom. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love the gifts I have in each one of my girls. They are so different, so unique, so precious.

A day that changed me (<---Link!)

Oh how great were the plans I had envisioned for my future. I had the drive to pursue those passions, yet little by little, I changed. From career choices, investing time in projects, and learning about the things that really matter in life, I became a different me.

This life I live is different than I expected. A rich mosaic put together, piece by piece, creating something beyond what I ever envisioned. I am thankful that my plans were not to be. Thankful for this beautiful life God has given me. Oh, there is plenty of brokenness in me – selfishness, lack of discipline, jealousy – but I am learning to find beauty in the broken places of my life, allowing God to transform me and to guide me in this journey of life.

My beautiful, different than expected life!

This is a post for the writing prompt community. Join us and share your stories about something that was different than you expected.

An Orphan's Bond of Friendship

Abandoned children fill orphanages around the world. Too many little souls without a mom or a dad, without someone to call them their own. With a lack of stable and on-going relationships, many of these kids develop RAD (reactive attachment disorder) where they struggle to form lasting relationships with their caretakers or adoptive parents. They learn at an early age that there is nobody they can trust. The pathways that the brain creates the first three years of life are hard to break. Kids with RAD will not “grow out of it,” it is a reality for many adoptive parents that creates a challenging relationship. 

When we first adopted Nina, she cried for one of her caretakers, “Nina want Ira!” At the time, I felt anger towards this woman. Now, I am incredibly thankful for her. Nina was able to bond with one of her caretakers, and I do believe that relationship made a huge difference in Nina’s ability to bond with me. Because Nina was loved, she was able to love back.

But there was another strong relationship Nina had in the orphanage. It was not with an adult, but with one of the other children. Nina had a best friend, the closest thing to a sister, to a family. Nina had Oksana. Both girls orphans, both girls with cerebral palsy.

When I visited Nina, Oksana would cry and ask to come with us. Most of the time she was silenced by the caretakers, but for one of the visits they allowed Oksana to play with us. During the first half of the visit, Oksana melted into my arms, resting her face on my chest, soaking in all the attention she could get. Eventually she ventured to play with Nina, and I watched their simple interactions. They talked to each other, Nina asked Oksana to get things for her, since Oksana’s mobility was much better than Nina’s. They played with a puzzle, looked at pictures, and often looked at each other, always with a smile.

After that visit I asked about Oksana, and the translator informed me they would soon be transferring her to a mental institution. I asked if the orphanage would allow me to find her a family, if they could hold her in the orphanage a little bit longer. There were no promises made, but that nightI wrote about Oksana on my blog, hoping that it would reach the right family.

Shortly after arriving home with Nina, I received an email asking about Oksana. Erin and her family committed to her adoption. I kept in contact with Erin through email, and eventually we began talking on the phone. We seemed to get along pretty well, and I wanted to offer as much help and support as I could. After all, Oksana had a special place in my heart. This was Nina’s closest relationship from her past. This was her “sister” finding a family.

Andy and I tried to be as available, open, and supportive as we could during their travel time, and after coming home. In no time, Erin and I became our “go to friend” when it came to our girls. It was only natural that at some point we would travel to finally meet the Loraine’s and reunite Nina and Oksana. That was a trip we will never forget (click on the link and check out Erin's post, there is a video of Nina and Oksana seeing each other for the first time after being adopted, it is awesome!). We finally got to meet some of our dearest friends. Our entire family clicked really well, and it felt as if we had known each other forever. And it was a treat to see Nina and Oksana together. Last Thanksgiving, Loraines came to visit for a few days. Again, we had a great time with friends.

First meeting during July 4th

 Thanksgiving meeting, it was hard to get Oksana to smile for the camera, but she smiles all the time!

Last Monday, I shared with you a video of Nina jumping independently. I also posted it on facebook. When I picked Nina up from school I told her there were many messages for her from people cheering her on. She was happy, but she had only one question for me.

“Did Oksana leave me a message?”

“Not yet sweetie, but her mommy did and I am sure she will show her the video.”

“I hope so, because I know Oksana loves me more than anyone else, and I want her to be proud.”

I often think of Nina being alone at the orphanage, with no one that loved her like you love a family member. But I was wrong. Nina had someone, she had her best friend, Oksana. And I realize more and more how important that bond was for these girls, and how incredible it is that their bond has brought our respective families together. I count Erin as one of the closest friends I have ever had, and I met her thanks to Nina and Oksana.

What a blessing it is that Nina and Oksana will be friends for a lifetime and I realize now that the bond she has with her is also one of the strongest bonds she will ever have. Perhaps even closer than the one she has with her sisters. What a joy to continue to bring them together.

And who knows, maybe someday they will be roommates at Shepherd’s College and their story will be known!