5 Months Home!

Nina has been home for 5 months! I cannot believe how fast the time goes by, and the little girl that arrived in our home is not the same little girl today! All areas of development have improved and it is hard to believe that just a few months ago there was so much she could not do. Things that now she can do with great ease.

Right now Nina is all about family. I think she is putting together in her head how she belongs with us. Many times she makes sure to say everyone's name stressing out our family name. "Daddy Stumbo, Mommy Stumbo, Ellie Stumbo, Nichole Stumbo and Nina Stumbo. We are a family, a Stumbo family!"

One of our favorite things right now is that Nina often says to us, "I am a happy girl!" many times she says it while bouncing on her legs and clapping her hands. Sometimes, the statement catches us in the most unexpected times and the significance of it touches our hearts deeply. Like being held by daddy while watching a show, and all of a sudden she turns to him and with her sweet, soft voice she will say, "Daddy, I am a happy girl."

She also talks about loving her family (and yes, she even includes the fact that she loves Nina too.) Many times she will come into the rooms we are in just to say, "Mommy, I love you!" She blows a kiss and goes back to whatever she was doing before.

The significance of family. A little girl that knew nothing about the love of a family is not basking in it. Her life would be so different today had we not adopted her. Tied down in a crib, or if lucky, still at the orphanage, hanging on by the day.

But she is loved. She has a family. She belongs. She is a Stumbo.

Here is a little video I took of her the other day. We had just gotten a book that we are sending to the family that is adopting Nina's best friend from the orphanage. We made this book for the orphanage to have, so they can see a little bit about Nina's new life. In the book we included pictures of our time in Ukraine, of her favorite worker, as well as the doctor. At the beginning of the video, Nina was trying to say that she had looked at a book of pictures and that she had seen a picture of her and her worker. She is saying the worker's name.

Adoption: Love Grows

In February I wrote a post about adoption and falling in love. Loving Nina has not been the same as loving Ellie or Nichole. There is so much about Nina that we don't know, whereas there is not a thing about Ellie or Nichole that is a secret to us. We have always been there.

Nina has been with us for five months, but Nina and I go back before arriving home. We shared two weeks together as we were finalizing the adoption in Ukraine. One would think that those two weeks were wonderful as we were getting to know each other; the foundation of our relationship. Those weeks were indeed the foundation of our relationship, but they were not wonderful. Those two weeks were the toughest, most discouraging weeks in my mothering journey. Every night as I listened to 2 or 3 hours of constant crying I would think about the day, and the many ways in which I had felt rejected. I felt like a failure, a rejected failure, and we were trapped in a little apartment with no place to go.

I understand why Nina was having a hard time, but unless you have experienced this first hand, nothing can prepare you to how it feels to be rejected by the child you worked so hard and passionately to save. It doesn't matter how well you understand it in your head, the feelings will still cling heavy on your heart. Whenever there was a Russian or Ukrainian speaker around, Nina wanted nothing to do with me. The more time we had together, the more she rejected me, the more she cried for other people. Three times she asked other women to take her, that she wanted them to be their mommy and not me because she could not understand me. They were familiar, I was not. Again, although I understood her feelings, mine were crushed and I wanted to run to my girls, the ones I had not seen for seven weeks and wanted me.

Once home there was no Ukrainian or Russian around thank goodness! Many people would offer having "so and so" help us because they spoke Russian. Let me think about that for a second... No thank you!

But my relationship with Nina did not just suddenly change. When your heart has been deeply hurt, it takes time to heal. I found myself being less patient with Nina, expecting more, and getting frustrated easily. I felt guilty about that. One day as I was spending time with God, praying for my children I though about Nina. I started to cry and I went to her, held her and cried some more. I asked for her to forgive me for being impatient with her, for not being more gentle. I told her that I loved her and that she was mine. It was a beautiful moment.

Then surgery happened and Nina was thrown back into the same behaviors she was having during those 2 weeks in Ukraine. She cried constantly and would ask for the workers in her orphanage by name. She wanted nothing to do with me...once again. Emotionally I was depleted, I felt like I had nothing to give. I had just begun to get up and was knocked to the ground once more.

Then one night she woke up spitting blood and we were back for another surgery. She was air lifted and I had to drive hour and a half to get there. Even though it was hard to have them take her and for me to stay behind, I actually felt like I could take a deep breath.

As we were coming home for the second time from the hospital, I asked a nurse to be with Nina while I got our things ready to go. I wanted to cry, dreading to go home and face life with a child that would reject me once more. God knew what was needed, and He sent the Russian speaking lady. He sent her for Nina and for me, because He is a God that restores relationships, or in our case, creates new relationships.

As I look at my journey with Nina, this is the one most significant moment we have had. This was the day that Nina chose me for the first time in her life, this was the moment that Nina realized she belonged in our family, and she wanted that. Nina wanted her mommy. And although at the moment I did not realize the significance of what took place, now I see it for what it was. It was a new birth.

(And if you did not read that post, click on the previous paragraph's highlighted words or click here)

Adding a new family members takes time to adjust. Weather it be a baby or an older child. A family has to learn to function with more people, it is not as simple as adding one more, but the family dynamics change and everyone has to adjust.

Nina is discovering what family is, and she is blossoming in her new understanding. She cherishes it.

Somehow, Nina is not just the little girl we are trying to include, she is a part of us now. We have six months to look back, and although not long, it is a history within our family. We know her favorite color and that she loves balloons. Although much of life is new to her, she finds comfort in us.

Before we met Nina, we had created a character of who we imagined her to be, one that pushed us to get her home. The love I have for Nina today, would have pushed me so much harder, because it is a love that has cost many tears, and therefore, great joy as it has grown.

Yes, she is my daughter, not born from my womb but from my heart. The love I felt for Ellie and Nichole as they were born is the love that has been born from me towards Nina. She is a without a doubt a"new baby" to me, to my heart.

She is mine.

The Great Outdoors!

Today was a wonderful day. It was fun, and it was a success! We went to a park nearby that has a great play area for kids. There is also a McDonald's with a play place in the town, so we knew that if necessary we could make our exit with promise of play for Ellie and ice cream for the other two girls.

We started our day with Andy and Ellie running and well... I don't know! I was swinging Nina and Nichole. Nichole was not too happy to stay there for long, but we swung for a while!

Yes, this was Nichole saying, "Dowwwwn!"

The girls were definitely done swinging and wanted to be with Ellie. Somehow Andy convinced Nina that it was okay to crawl around in a shaded area. This is huge! Nina crawling outside (and with shorts!) it was great! She was crawling in some tunnels while Nichole was content crawling or sitting. This is a challenging place for Nichole, but the ultimate physical therapy place for her, so we were trying to push her as much as she would let us.

(Yes, that is Andy in the background, he was watching Nina)

Ellie just loved this place and there were some older kids from a school. The older girls said she was so cute with her sunglasses and necklace and it just made her day!

Nichole engaged in some rascal behavior by taking off. Actually she walked a lot! All over the playground, as well as trying to find...a sidewalk? A road? Not sure, but there is a lot of grass and she eventually turned around.

Then Nichole and I found Nina on her knees on rocks! Andy must have had a magic wand or something because her kneeling on rocks outside is not common! So Nina and Nichole played with the rocks for a long time while Andy chased Ellie all over the place. I couldn't see them, but I could hear the giggles and the growls.

Eventually we were all hot, sweaty, and hungry. We headed to McDonald's, why not! All three girls did wonderful, and Nina was so confident that she climbed the play structure there all on her own! Wow! Yeah, say it with me...Wow!!!

We got home with smiles. It was a wonderful day. The girls did great and it was enjoyable! Sometimes we leave places because we have to, usually someone has lost it, and yes, sometimes it is one of the parents! But today was a success, for all. Nina is getting over her fear of different grounds and this place was just perfect!

Maybe it is the reality that we are learning to function as a family of 5 and with 2 girls that need a little extra help. I don't know. What I do know, is that I felt like God was smiling down on us, enjoying the day with us, watching us with pleasure. And we were smiling right back!

Fun In The Sun...But Not Alone!

The weather here has been absolutely beautiful! It makes for everyone in our family wanting to go play outside. We have an awesome swing set and it is nice to have the girls enjoy it. All of them love swinging.

Ellie has a lot of fun running, climbing, an so forth. Nina loves to swing but anything else outside results into her turning into a wooden board and collapsing wherever she is, regardless of what she is doing, and it is accompanied by crying. This results in Nina swinging, swinging...or swinging. Nichole loves to swing for a while, then she wants to get down and try to climb up the slide, forget the ladder, but she can't do it. She then gets frustrated and takes off. Where you ask? Anywhere that is not our yard! And no, we do not have a fence...we really need one, she is a runner!

I have tried taking the girls to play outside, in our backyard, all by myself. It is not a possibility for us. Nina's needs, along with Nichole turning into a rascal as soon as her lungs are filled with outside air, and Ellie wanting me to play with her is a recipe for disaster. Oh, and a frustrated mom that ends up carrying two girls as quickly as possible inside the house. One turns into a floppy noodle and is usually only attached to my "nearness" by the hand, I have to be fast before she is gone and running towards the street. Yeah, Nina holds on to my neck for dear life afraid I might just put her down on the floor to go chasing the little rascal.

I don't mean this is a negative way, it is just part of life, and until we get a fence, I cannot do this solo. As you can imagine, daddy coming home is exciting because there are two adults teaming up against the sort ones. We win, they win, we are all happy :)

Yesterday was one of those days!

Ellie does not get lots of attention here on the blog, but she sure gets lots of attention at home. I asked her the other day who was the sister that got the most attention. "Me mommy, of course I get the most attention!"

We really do try to make her feel special and not put to the side because of her sisters. So far, I think she still believes the world revolves around her.


And Nichole discovered she can climb our little slide all by herself, any way she wants! it kept her entertained for a while, until she thought it was time to take a run. Good thing I could chase her and practice "Stop." We are working on it.

She Thinks She Can't

From the very first day I took Nina out of the orphanage I realized that there was a message that Nina had been living for all her life. A message that had devastated her possibilities and her future, but even worse, a message that she believed and obeyed.

"I can't."

The words came so easily in Ukrainian, and she quickly learned them in English too.

Nina grew up believing this lie, because it was said by the people that she knew and the people that she trusted. Unfortunately, these people believed that lie too.

The first time I heard her say this was when she was trying to get down the couch in our little Ukrainian apartment. She got down en her tummy, laid flat against the coach and began to wail, "I can't, I can't!" There was nothing scary about where she physically found herself, hugging the coach with every inch of her body. But she was so scared of letting go thinking she would fall off the couch. I grabbed her legs and turned them around, then lowered them to the ground. Panic took on a persona like I had never seen before. Even though I was holding her, and helping her, she had never done something like that before. The reality is, I knew she could do it. Physically she was capable, it was not difficult for her at all...but she was sure she couldn't do it.

The couch became a battle. But after two weeks, she could get down the couch on her own and I would cheer, clap, and jump for her every time. "You did it Nina! you can do it!"

"Nina did it!" She would reply, the delight and surprise on her face were balm for some of those hard days we had together.

At home, she climbs down the couch...and UP the couch. She is resourceful, she has figured out that all she needs is to get one of the sofa cushions, it gives her just enough "push" so she can grab on and pull herself up, swinging those legs like a professional gymnast (this girl has some serious abs, talk about the six pack I wish I had!)

All along we have said to her that she can, and that she will. If we know she physically is able to, we stop helping, because she needs to learn that she can. She has conquered couches, stairs, and sitting like a pretzel. All things that she couldn't do before.

Still being outside she freezes with fear. Her fear looks much like terror. She wants to go down the slide, but in a matter of seconds, she freezes up, looses all her body control, and will fall over. Her body control is locked up in her mind and we better catch her. Sometimes, sitting in a chair, something in her says "I can't do this" and she will wail, and all of a sudden she is frozen up, falling over the chair, a kid size chair, banging her head on the floor because she cannot even stop a fall. It is all in her mind, the same chair she sits on all day long, all of a sudden is her biggest fear.

Walking is a big one. We have been told that physically she should be able to walk, we see her and we know this is true, however, her mind seems so closed to the possibility. "I can't!" She says with tears in her eyes. She wants to, but she believes that she can't.

We try any way we can to get her to experience her body, to learn to feel it. I try to teach her to dance. "Shake your booty Nina!" I say while we all dance, "I can't!" she says sadly, but after a few days, she held on tight to the table and said with delight, "I can do it, I can do it! Nina shake her booty!" While moving her hips from side to side.

What a lie she has lived with. Even as we take steps forward, I know the lie remains. Slowly we are speaking truth to her, slowly she will begin to believe in herself.

Besides, she gets to be a part of the family where there are 2 sisters with special needs. With a sister, mom, and dad that believe they can and that they will. So as the current of those that have low expectations tries to knock them down, they are learning, and they will be able to say, "Oh yeah? Well watch me do it!"

Nina's Walker

Yesterday we finally got Nina's hot pink walker! It was ordered in February and it finally came. I think it is the reality of insurance covering such an expensive and such involved equipment. We are just thankful that we finally have it! Next month Nina will have botox injections on her legs and this will be another step forward towards mobility!

We knew that her walker would take up some room, but I did not expect it to be so big and so heavy. As soon as I brought it inside the house, I realized it was a tight fit as it got scratched up a little just going in through the door.

There is only one room where Nina can really use the walker, so we are thinking about different possibilities (like knocking down some walls, or building an addition, all which are a lot of money!)

For now, we are just making this be something fun!

We really talked about how great it would be to get her pink walker and she loves it! She will even stay in it for about 10 minutes! But right now when she wants down we put her down so that she just gets familiar with it. We are also trying to figure out the best "settings" for her, so slowly but surely we will work it out!

After much coaxing and prompting she finally let the death grip on it go and she stood up all by herself, without holding on to anything! This is a huge step on the right direction. Although the harness holds her up, she is learning some balance, but more important, she is learning to trust, and hopefully the message is getting in her heart, that she can do it!

Having Kids With Special Needs Can be Heavy...Literally!

"It must be so hard to have kids with special needs."

These are words that I hear often. Actually, these are words that I would say to myself when I would see a mom with a child with special needs. Then I had Nichole.

It is not harder to parent Nichole. Really, having a child with Down syndrome does not make my parenting harder, more difficult, or less enjoyable. There are things that are different, but "different" and "harder" are not synonymous words. Sometimes things are harder with Nichole, and some other things are harder with Ellie, it has more to do with specific situations and many times personalities.

Then there is Nina with Cerebral Palsy. She is not harder to parent either. She is actually a very sweet little girl. She wants one thing and one thing only, and that is to please Andy and I.

Today, however, I discovered that there is something hard about parenting Nina. Wait a second, let me scratch that. What I discovered is that parenting Nina is heavy! We got her walker today and that thing really is heavy! Lugging it around requires some muscle! She is only 26 pounds thankfully, but she is going to grow and get heavier. When we graduate to a wheelchair as opposed to the stroller those things are heavy too!

So, I decided I am going to get ripped (yeah, if you know me go ahead and laugh, the mental picture of a muscular and strong me also sends me into a giggle frenzy.) Seriously, I have never been too motivated to exercise, but today I though, "I need some muscles here! And here...and here too"

Stronger, my kids will make me stronger. Take it figuratively or literally, both ways apply.

So in light of my post, I shall go and take a nap ;)